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According to a 2017 national survey of 3,000 high school students and young adults by the Making Caring Common Project, a large majority of boys never had a single conversation with their parents about, for instance, how to be sure that your partner “wants to be - and is comfortable - having sex with you,” or about what it meant to be a “a caring and respectful sexual partner.” About two-thirds had never heard from their parents that they shouldn’t have sex with someone who is too intoxicated to consent.
Yet that silence has troubling implications. I can’t say that I blame them: It’s excruciating, and it’s not like our own parents offered a template. Certainly not with their parents, most of whom would rather poke themselves in the eye with a fork than speak frankly to their sons about sex. #MeToo wasn’t the impetus for my work (I began well before the Weinstein story broke) but it quickly underscored the urgency.įew of the boys had previously had such conversations. So I began interviewing young men - dozens, of different backgrounds, in their early teens and 20s - about sex and love, hookup culture and relationships, masculinity and media, sexual consent and misconduct. But four years ago, after publishing a book about the contradictions young women still face in their intimate encounters, I realized, perhaps inevitably, that if I truly wanted to promote safer, more enjoyable, more egalitarian sexual relationships among young people, I needed to have the other half of the conversation. As a journalist, I have spent over a quarter of a century chronicling girls’ lives - that has been my calling and my passion. Because, it’s like the girl is just there as a means for him to get off and a means for him to brag.” So to do that, you’re going to be dominating. As one high school junior explained: “Guys need to prove themselves to their guys. To make real change we need to tackle something larger and more systemic: the pervasive culture that urges boys toward disrespect and detachment in their intimate encounters.ĭespite a new imperative to be scrupulous about affirmative consent, young men are still subject to incessant messages that sexual conquest - being always down for sex, racking up their “body count,” regardless of how they or their partner may feel about it - remains the measure of a “real” man, and a reliable path to social status. Weinstein ends up with (fingers crossed) the longest prison sentence in history.
But shining light on a problem won’t, in itself, solve it, not even if Mr. The #MeToo movement has exposed sexual misconduct, coercion and harassment across every sector of society. I thought about those boys this week as I watched Harvey Weinstein, in an Oscar-worthy performance of abject harmlessness, hobble on his walker into the New York Supreme Court in Manhattan. To put it in teenage parlance, they wanted to know whether it was truly possible to “hit it and quit it.” Strictly speaking, of course, even indifference is a feeling, but I knew what they meant: They wanted to know if they could have sex without caring: devoid of vulnerability, even with disregard for a partner.
A while back, during a discussion I was having with a group of high school students about sexual ethics, a boy raised his hand to ask me, “Can you have sex without feelings?” The other guys in the room nodded, leaned forward, curious, maybe a little challenging.